Tuesday, September 22, 2009

When there’s a newborn in the house

The second an infant enters the home, life is never the same again. Ahhh… babymoons.
It doesn’t matter if it is the first or tenth newborn you bring into the home –both parents and siblings fall under complete control of The Infant.

The Infant is programmed with many tricks. For example:

The time warp: Time spent staring into The Infants beautiful face, even when The Infant is sleeping, especially when The Infant is sleeping.

The sleep hold: The Infant will fall asleep on your chest, rendering you motionless.

The faux emergency cry: The Infant senses when parents’ foreplay reaches the tipping point and lets out the faux emergency cry. The cry is just loud and long enough to seem urgent. And then isn’t repeated. At the best of times, this cry has a rebound effect on both parents. They think, “That was probably nothing,” and pause to wait for the next cry. Then –REBOUD- they worry, “that was a serious cry. Why isn’t The Infant crying more?” Whereby both parents take one step apart (or the equivalent of one step if they are in a non-vertical position) and rush to check on The Infant. The Infant will be sleeping, but don’t be fooled. The infant knows you are watching. At the worst of times the faux emergency cry reaches only one parent. It’s a terrible scene –one lover not wanting to take that one step back, murmuring, “The Infant will be fine,” rubbing, rocking, pleading and the other parent taking that step back, rushing off to check on The Infant.

In addition to being under the influence of The Infant, pregnant sex is over. Glorious, wonderful, sensual, worry free, pregnant sex is gone the moment The Infant arrives.

There is hope!

Yes, you must gaze upon the infant and you mustn’t miss an opportunity to let the infant nap on your chest. And, of course you have to check on the infant when you hear an emergency cry, even if it is a faux emergency cry.

Here are some tips to maintaining (or finding) romance even while you are living in the clutches of The Infant.

1. No fighting about The Infant – (see s3xy laundry post – the same advice for housework applies to childcare. It sound odd, but it is true). Here’s the deal. The person you love and created (or adopted) this infant with loves The Infant as much as you do, trust them to take excellent care of the infant and they will.

2. Nothing else matters – care of The Infant, care of other children, your basic health and wellness. Nothing else matters during this time. Not house cleaning, not sending thank you notes for the babyshower, not posting a million zillion pictures of The Infant on FB.

3. Kiss. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Kiss as often as you can. Think of your interrupted desires as extended foreplay.

4. And when baby is sleeping, and other kids are cared for, refer to number two above. Don’t pull out the vacuum, call a friend, or check your email. Find your love and have fun (before The Infant can let out another faux emergency cry!)

These are just a few little tips and though I’ve had three infants, it’s been awhile for me and William. Please share your tips for fellow parents in the comments section. Thank you!


  1. This really brought back some memories for me. My Youngest is 7!
    The faux emergency cry, yep, it's like they have some sort of radar or something! How do they know? I miss the time warp and the sleep hold. I long for those again with grandchildren.
    Great post! :)


  2. I miss the time warp and sleep hold too! =( But, I dont miss the interruptions. Those are bad enough with a 7 and 3 year old. We dont need any more.

  3. Awww, this made me laugh. My little guy is only 19 months old and we're talking about another one, and boy, I sure do miss that moment when The Infant falls asleep on you. Our toddler is far too busy for something that sweet! Stopping by from SITS, happy Wednesday to you!

  4. Make sure the infant and other children are happy to spend a night at Grandma's house!!! Nothing says 'come and get it' with a child free night!! (of course you will be up at the crack of dawn to get the little tikes and give them big big cuddles as it was just too weird not having them in the house all night!!)

  5. Gahh I can't even remember how this feels - infant is now 29.

  6. I want a newborn!! AGH, Please remind me: I have 8 kids. Ages 18-4. There will NOT be anymore newborns in this house.

  7. Oh I so miss the little sleeping one on your chest. SUCH a peaceful feeling. And don't forget that sleep for you is key. It makes everything better. EVERYthing.

  8. Hello! This is Chris from the blog that sounds like a Buffett song. Anyway, I've taken that blog down, but since you were following over there, I was hoping you'd come by my new place at www.knuckleheadhumor.com


  9. Thanks 4 the commenys everyone.

    Michelle you are so right - sleep is so important!

  10. This was a very interesting post. I loved how you looked at things. Thanks for stopping by the other day. I hope you come back again.

  11. I am so going to remember this when I have kids!
    And I can't remember if I told you, but you have an award waiting on my blog...I probably did, so if I did, just ignore this comment...except the first part of course, the actual comment part!

  12. My youngest is 15! I sometimes miss having an infant in the house and then I read your post and remembered. It's much easier now to grab those moments than it was then. The worry level isn't as quite as intense as it was back then . . . on certain levels. These are great tips for parents of infants.