When there’s a newborn in the house

The second an infant enters the home, life is never the same again. Ahhh… babymoons.
It doesn’t matter if it is the first or tenth newborn you bring into the home –both parents and siblings fall under complete control of The Infant.

The Infant is programmed with many tricks. For example:

The time warp: Time spent staring into The Infants beautiful face, even when The Infant is sleeping, especially when The Infant is sleeping.

The sleep hold: The Infant will fall asleep on your chest, rendering you motionless.

The faux emergency cry: The Infant senses when parents’ foreplay reaches the tipping point and lets out the faux emergency cry. The cry is just loud and long enough to seem urgent. And then isn’t repeated. At the best of times, this cry has a rebound effect on both parents. They think, “That was probably nothing,” and pause to wait for the next cry. Then –REBOUD- they worry, “that was a serious cry. Why isn’t The Infant crying more?” Whereby both parents take one step apart (or the equivalent of one step if they are in a non-vertical position) and rush to check on The Infant. The Infant will be sleeping, but don’t be fooled. The infant knows you are watching. At the worst of times the faux emergency cry reaches only one parent. It’s a terrible scene –one lover not wanting to take that one step back, murmuring, “The Infant will be fine,” rubbing, rocking, pleading and the other parent taking that step back, rushing off to check on The Infant.

In addition to being under the influence of The Infant, pregnant sex is over. Glorious, wonderful, sensual, worry free, pregnant sex is gone the moment The Infant arrives.

There is hope!

Yes, you must gaze upon the infant and you mustn’t miss an opportunity to let the infant nap on your chest. And, of course you have to check on the infant when you hear an emergency cry, even if it is a faux emergency cry.

Here are some tips to maintaining (or finding) romance even while you are living in the clutches of The Infant.


1. No fighting about The Infant – (see s3xy laundry post – the same advice for housework applies to childcare. It sound odd, but it is true). Here’s the deal. The person you love and created (or adopted) this infant with loves The Infant as much as you do, trust them to take excellent care of the infant and they will.

2. Nothing else matters – care of The Infant, care of other children, your basic health and wellness. Nothing else matters during this time. Not house cleaning, not sending thank you notes for the babyshower, not posting a million zillion pictures of The Infant on FB.

3. Kiss. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Kiss as often as you can. Think of your interrupted desires as extended foreplay.

4. And when baby is sleeping, and other kids are cared for, refer to number two above. Don’t pull out the vacuum, call a friend, or check your email. Find your love and have fun (before The Infant can let out another faux emergency cry!)

These are just a few little tips and though I’ve had three infants, it’s been awhile for me and William. Please share your tips for fellow parents in the comments section. Thank you!