Saturday, August 29, 2009

Fighting the Grouchy Lady with s3x talk

Okay, I’m not going to blog about how crazy my kids are making me… I’m going to blog about how crazy a complete stranger almost made me.

I was blasting the car radio to “She wants it” (yeah, well – whatever – I like that song and I turn it up really loud, so no one will hear me singing off tune)

We pull into the parking lot at the HAPPY MEGA GROCERY, I turned off the car and

Ashton immediately asked: What won’t she say Mom?

I was like: Who what?

Ashton: The lady on the song. He says ‘she won’t say, she won’t say, I have to give it to her.’

I was just about to make up something about ‘her’ wanting to be a girl friend and him having to ‘give her ---‘ I don’t know? my mind didn’t fill in the blank. I may have been thinking something like ‘flowers’

But my thoughts were interrupted by Stranger Lady. She stood there in the parking lot, glaring at us giving us major grumpy look.

I gave her a look, like ‘What?’

She said, “Your music is really loud. And you had your child in the car with you.”

I just grabbed Ashton’s hand as we got close to her.

She said, “Are you trying to blow out your child’s ear drums?”

I so wanted to argue with her about music and ear drums and being obnoxious in public, but I got a better idea. I stopped right in front of her and answered Ashton’s question.

I bent down, looked him in the eye and…

I told him the truth. “In that song he doesn’t sing ‘she won’t say’ he sings ‘she wants it’ and he’s talking about sex. He thinks the girl wants sex with him. So when he sings ‘I’ve got to give it to her’ he means he’s got to have sex with her. At least that’s what I think he’s singing about. Sometimes people can hear the same song and think different things.”

I looked up for the woman and… she’d walked away. (Probably after the first time I said sex) Off to grump at someone else, I guess.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Tip 4: Play

Yes, I’m all about playing with your kids. But you need to play with your lover too.

I’m not talking about s3x play and foreplay or even romance, really.

I’m talking about having fun - tossing a beach ball, throwing a Frisbee, kicking a can down the street, something physical and fun.

William is a super runner dude and running is a lonely sport –especially for him because I only run to catch the ice cream truck. I go to an old lady water aerobics class twice a week and swim on my own just for exercise –but it’s not fun (I’m about as good at swimming as I am at running). But it is also important that we have our fun moments each day – like throwing sticks to our dog, working together to keep a balloon in the air, or laughing because I can’t hit a birdie with a badminton racket to save my life.

You don’t need to join a gym, buy equipment or get a babysitter. When the kids are asleep take their most annoying stuffed animal and toss it across the living room to each other. The point is to have fun together.

If you really hate being (or are unable to be) physically active – find another way to play. Make the person you love laugh at least once a day.

Monday, August 24, 2009

All Around the House

Kids sleeping at night is a good thing. It is good for the children –their growth and development. And it is good for parents.

So get your kids to sleep people! I don’t care how (short of drugging them or otherwise harming them).

The inspiration for this post comes from a doc-in-the-box temp. He was in our office ONE DAY. And turned everything upside down. This was when I worked at a pediatric walk-in clinic. (urgent care in some places).

Mom came in with 4 kids ages 6, 4, 2 and 10 months. The 10 month old had a developmental concern that was NOT the reason for the visit. The visit was routine – fever, ear infection something like that.

Doc did exam. I did follow up. The family was processed at the desk. And out the door.

Doc corners me and demands I phone the family to speak with them about “sleep issues.” The problem? Family bed. Doc is very concerned. “They need to stop the family bed. Call them and tell them.”

He was scientific. “Research shows it can be helpful to establish a nursing relationship in the first few weeks of life, but we’re beyond that now. The infant is ten months old.”

He was concerned. “That baby is special needs. She’ll never be independent if she sleeps with her parents.”

He was insane. “And the parents. How can the ever have s3x with all those kids in the bed? It will destroy their marriage.”

He was insistent. “Call them, Lynn. Tell them to stop the family bed.”

Let’s back up a second. How old are the kids? 6, 4, 2 & 10 months! I think these SMART parents did manage to figure out a way to have s3x. And keep having it again and again and again.

Because many of us who have children understand that there is more than one room available to romantically connect. And more surfaces besides the bed.

I’m starting a new section on s3x in the pantry “All Around the House” dedicated to all of the wonderful places in the house for romance.

You already know William and I like the pantry – what’s your favorite spot?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Get Cookin'!

This book is my favorite gift for wedding showers. I've even started giving it at baby showers. Love, s3x, romance, food -what could be better?

The recipes in this book are wonderful. The photos are delicious.

What's your favorite love food?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The Happiness Average

This situation happened years ago, but I still think about it from time to time.

I was working in a large hospital on the medical-surgical floor and the husband of one of my patients phoned repeatedly with questions about flowers.

Patient’s husband call 1: Can I bring flowers to my wife.
Me: yes

Patient’s husband call 2: Are there certain flowers I’m not allowed to bring?
Me: bring any flowers you like.

Patient’s husband call 3: I’ve got the florist on hold, are roses okay?
Me: Roses are GREAT!

Patient’s husband call 4: Is there a limit to the number of flowers? Can I bring a lot?
Me: Bring as many as you like
Thinking - just quit calling and let me get to work (!)

Well, he showed up with 50 -yes, FIFTY- big red roses. Standing by his recovering wife’s side he said, “Today we’re celebrating 50 happy years of marriage, and---“
She elbowed him, interrupting. “We are NOT!”
He went on “50 happy years and that’s not a bad average out of 53.”
She looked at me, “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. We’ve been married 53 years.” She studied the clock. “In two hours and twenty minutes it will be exactly 53 years.”

But I knew what he was talking about. He didn’t deny the 53 years, but said that 50 of them were happy and that “wasn’t a bad average.”

I don’t know what a “good average” is, but three years seems like a lot of unhappy days. I know marriage is built on good times and bad times and helping each other through the worst times.

This man with his massive bouquet of roses really reminded me to do my best to make every day of my marriage full of love. Because those days add up to weeks and months and years.

When William and I hit 53 years, I hope we’re celebrating 52+ years of happiness!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Emotional Affairs and other lies

I love my bff, Jenna, and we had a great time camping with her and her kids (and her great big dog). But everyone has their quirks and Jenna seems to actually like talk radio. Driving home one of the radio hosts went on a rant about men who have “emotional affairs.”

Emotional affairs defined as: they think about other women. Yes think about them. Want to help them. Or be with them. Talk to them. Confide in them. Share thoughts with them. Converse with them. Maybe even tell them a joke at the water cooler.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say, as far as I can tell, there is NO SUCH THING as an emotional affair. And any woman who is going to get her panties in a wad because her man talks to or thinks about another female should go commando for a few days and liberate herself.

Come on, people!!

Here’s the deal. Everyone THINKS!

My grandma used to gush about Paul Newman (yeah, really the salad dressing guy) and my mom had the hots for Tom Selleck (yes, I’ll admit it, but I don’t know if she will). Does that mean they were having an emotional affairs?

Really, what does it take to have an emotional affair? An imagination? Creativity? Desire?

If my grandma was daydreaming about Paul Newman, is it any big deal? What if she turned her head during s3x with my grandpa and imagined Paul breathing on her neck instead? Is that an emotional affair? PLEASE!

I call it being HUMAN.

Sure I wish William lusted after me and only me. But I know he is a man with hormones and blood cells and erectile functions and an imagination. I bet at least once in our dozen plus years together he’s looked at some hot chick and though “I bet she’d be fun.”

But we have something called trust. That means I trust him to keep it in his pants and he trusts me to keep my pants on.

Because the way we define an affair, it’s about doing it, really doing it not just thinking about it.

There’s fantasy and then there’s reality. In reality an affair is actually doing it – and we all have the same definition of it, right?

Friday, August 7, 2009


Won't be blogging for awhile...going camping with my three kids, bff and her two kids + great big dog.

It will be fun.

Can't post without telling about Brice embarrassing me in the market today. His stomach was grumbling -v loudly. I asked, "Honey, are you hungry?"

"No," he said, "that's just my stomach farting!"

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Knock Knock

Cassidy was playing with the girl next door yesterday afternoon and the boys were out at an event.

William and I got the surprise no parent likes to get...hearing our sweet daughter's voice outside the bedroom door and the door handle wiggle.

We weren't hitting it or anything, but we weren't dressed either.

I yelled for her to knock! knock! knock! and growled "Don't open a door without knocking"

What I didn't expect to hear as I got close to the door was Cassie's sweet voice saying, "Grandma, Mom's freaking out about me going into their bedroom."

She was talking to my Mom on the phone!!!

Grrrr.... I didn't even hear the phone ring...

I can't even count the times my three kids have embarrassed me in front of my parents. This must be some kind of payback!