Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Emotional Affairs and other lies

I love my bff, Jenna, and we had a great time camping with her and her kids (and her great big dog). But everyone has their quirks and Jenna seems to actually like talk radio. Driving home one of the radio hosts went on a rant about men who have “emotional affairs.”

Emotional affairs defined as: they think about other women. Yes think about them. Want to help them. Or be with them. Talk to them. Confide in them. Share thoughts with them. Converse with them. Maybe even tell them a joke at the water cooler.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say, as far as I can tell, there is NO SUCH THING as an emotional affair. And any woman who is going to get her panties in a wad because her man talks to or thinks about another female should go commando for a few days and liberate herself.

Come on, people!!

Here’s the deal. Everyone THINKS!

My grandma used to gush about Paul Newman (yeah, really the salad dressing guy) and my mom had the hots for Tom Selleck (yes, I’ll admit it, but I don’t know if she will). Does that mean they were having an emotional affairs?

Really, what does it take to have an emotional affair? An imagination? Creativity? Desire?

If my grandma was daydreaming about Paul Newman, is it any big deal? What if she turned her head during s3x with my grandpa and imagined Paul breathing on her neck instead? Is that an emotional affair? PLEASE!

I call it being HUMAN.

Sure I wish William lusted after me and only me. But I know he is a man with hormones and blood cells and erectile functions and an imagination. I bet at least once in our dozen plus years together he’s looked at some hot chick and though “I bet she’d be fun.”

But we have something called trust. That means I trust him to keep it in his pants and he trusts me to keep my pants on.

Because the way we define an affair, it’s about doing it, really doing it not just thinking about it.

There’s fantasy and then there’s reality. In reality an affair is actually doing it – and we all have the same definition of it, right?


  1. I couldn't have said this better myself. What you said is so true. I'll bet you everyone has an "emotional" affair at one time or another. We're all human and other humans will trigger thoughts in us all. As long as it stays in my thoughts and I don't share, who cares? Certainly not my husband. I'm sure he has thoughts about the opposite sex of his own.

  2. Mmmm I agree with you about 90%. BUT I disagree that there isn't an emotional affair. When you start confiding in someone in place of your spouse, when you start spending time with someone in place of your spouse, when you are essentially in a relationship less the sex... that there is an emotional affair.

  3. I agree with you but also with Michelle. I don't mind fantasy or aka Jimmy Carter "lusting with the heart" But if my dh was spending time away from home - missing our kids' football games or spending money on another woman while we are just scraping by (and we are just scraping by) I would call that an emotional affair even if they don't get it on. And I would be MAD!!!!

  4. There is a Prince lyric that I referenced in a post I wrote called "My Name Is Adam". It says,

    "If a man is considered guilty for waht goes on in his mind, then give me the electric chair for all my futre crimes."

    I agree with you. While the thoughts themselve are not always healthy, it is the act itself that one must worry about.

    With that being said, one must be careful with the "friendships" that may develop between a man and woman, yet excluding the spouse. The emotional connection with no physical intimacy is still cause for concern.

  5. Okay, you guys have convinced me...it's not just doing 'it' but taking time (or money, or emotion) from the family.

    However, that being said...this can happen without there being another woman in the picture.

    A spouse could have a hobby, a group of same gender friends, or any number things that may make him (or her) miss out on time with family.


  6. Hey DollFace!! I wanted to thank you for the comments posted on my blog- and I must tell you what a complete RETARD I am. When you said you couldn't find my link... ummm, sorry but break that down like 1st grade style for me. What do you need and um, if its all computer complicated your ALSO gonna have to tell me how to do it!! :) AND I love the postings here!! WAY thoughtful.... and FUNNY and sheesh I guess I'm having an affair with Channing Tatum... yeah right I sooo wish...

  7. Great conversation.
    My 2 cents: If you lust after the eggs, long for the orange juice, if you dream about the jelly to the point of neglecting the family then you have commited breakfast in your heart. "Breakfast" does not mean another woman or man--as S3Xin the pantry said, it could be anything-like a hobby or sport--but having a little fun looking (or drooling) at a menu is fine--as long as you don't forget who you eat dinner with.

  8. I say the opposite.

    My friend's husband took their kids out every saturday w/ a girl he worked with - HE TOOK THE KIDS WITH THEM because my friend work on Saturdays. He told the kids, "don't tell Mom it will make her sad." For months they went on "dates" even though they didn't have physical contact this was really an emotional affair.

  9. Mr. Man... I searched your blog and read the My Name is Adam post. I think that gets at the heart of it. Nice Prince quote too. (His Starfish and Coffee song can almost always make me happy!)

    Ashley, I was looking for the google / FB follow button by your blog - but I put you in my blogroll - no worries -computers give us much but also make us CRAZY

    AK-Mom I like your poetic take on the situation!

    And to my anonymous posters and 2 emailers you've given me a lot to think about... I'm sure I'm going to have to re-visit this idea now that I have more information!

  10. lynn,
    I've been reading blogs for years, but I had to re-read this post.
    Yes, you actually wrote about your grandparents doing it. Never have I seen that in a blog before.
    And no one commented on it (except me).

  11. Personally, I think that having friends of the opposite sex is good. I have a subway wife-meaning a friend from my office who I commute on the train home with almost every night. We talk about her BF, my kids, my wife. Our recent trips. Show each other pictures. She is nothing more than a friend. No I dont neglect my family, I dont want to jump in the sack with her but she is pretty. Neither my wife nor I have any problem with it. You should trust your spouse and relax-life is much easier that way.