Sunday, September 27, 2009

The D word

Brice was about five and during dinner he blurted out, “Mom, Dad, I hope you two never get adopted.”

William gave me the What the hell is this kid talking about? look.

But, somehow, I knew. “You mean divorced?”

“Right, divorced. I hope you two never get divorced.”

“I hope we don’t either,” I said.

And that was that.

Until about six months ago. Brice, now nine, had more questions and he wanted me to make promises. A friend was over with her three kids –all six kids were running wild. Brice wandered into the kitchen and asked. “Are you and Daddy ever going to get a divorce?”

Me: I don’t think so.

Brice: Do you promise?

Me: No

Brice: Promise. Promise. Promise.

Me: Honey, I can’t promise you that. Me and Daddy love each other tons. I can’t imagine living without him. But people do get divorced. I think it is important that Daddy and I love each other the best we can each and every day. So if things don’t work out we know we did our very best.

After he ran off to play, my friend said she totally disagreed with what I said.

It really made me wonder. Brice is my second child, but he’s so different from Ashton, it’s like I’m learning to parent all over again each time he reaches a new stage.

The truth is when kids ask us questions, the answers may change depending on our mood and what we have going on. But something about his voice, his worry, made me want to open up and be very honest with him. I don’t think William and I will split up. But I’ve had many friends and relatives break up ---for some it was a mutual “this isn’t working” kind of thing and others were completely taken by surprise.

But my friend was alarmed by the conversation I had with Brice.

My friend: I would never say that to a child. How can you tell him that you might get a divorce?

Me: I didn’t say we might get a divorce, I just didn’t promise that we wouldn’t.

My friend: When (the name of her two daughters) asked me, I told them they never had to worry about it.

For awhile, I wondered if I caused Brice to worry unnecessarily. (Do we EVER stop wondering if we’re damaging our children????)

Yesterday, my friend called. Her and her husband are separating. The reason she and the kids are moving is because of financial stress. I hope things turn around for them soon. I really love them both and think they make a great team.

What do you think? For those of you who are married (or in committed relationships / partnerships / living together) do your kids ask you about the D word?

What did you say?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

When there’s a newborn in the house

The second an infant enters the home, life is never the same again. Ahhh… babymoons.
It doesn’t matter if it is the first or tenth newborn you bring into the home –both parents and siblings fall under complete control of The Infant.

The Infant is programmed with many tricks. For example:

The time warp: Time spent staring into The Infants beautiful face, even when The Infant is sleeping, especially when The Infant is sleeping.

The sleep hold: The Infant will fall asleep on your chest, rendering you motionless.

The faux emergency cry: The Infant senses when parents’ foreplay reaches the tipping point and lets out the faux emergency cry. The cry is just loud and long enough to seem urgent. And then isn’t repeated. At the best of times, this cry has a rebound effect on both parents. They think, “That was probably nothing,” and pause to wait for the next cry. Then –REBOUD- they worry, “that was a serious cry. Why isn’t The Infant crying more?” Whereby both parents take one step apart (or the equivalent of one step if they are in a non-vertical position) and rush to check on The Infant. The Infant will be sleeping, but don’t be fooled. The infant knows you are watching. At the worst of times the faux emergency cry reaches only one parent. It’s a terrible scene –one lover not wanting to take that one step back, murmuring, “The Infant will be fine,” rubbing, rocking, pleading and the other parent taking that step back, rushing off to check on The Infant.

In addition to being under the influence of The Infant, pregnant sex is over. Glorious, wonderful, sensual, worry free, pregnant sex is gone the moment The Infant arrives.

There is hope!

Yes, you must gaze upon the infant and you mustn’t miss an opportunity to let the infant nap on your chest. And, of course you have to check on the infant when you hear an emergency cry, even if it is a faux emergency cry.

Here are some tips to maintaining (or finding) romance even while you are living in the clutches of The Infant.

1. No fighting about The Infant – (see s3xy laundry post – the same advice for housework applies to childcare. It sound odd, but it is true). Here’s the deal. The person you love and created (or adopted) this infant with loves The Infant as much as you do, trust them to take excellent care of the infant and they will.

2. Nothing else matters – care of The Infant, care of other children, your basic health and wellness. Nothing else matters during this time. Not house cleaning, not sending thank you notes for the babyshower, not posting a million zillion pictures of The Infant on FB.

3. Kiss. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Kiss as often as you can. Think of your interrupted desires as extended foreplay.

4. And when baby is sleeping, and other kids are cared for, refer to number two above. Don’t pull out the vacuum, call a friend, or check your email. Find your love and have fun (before The Infant can let out another faux emergency cry!)

These are just a few little tips and though I’ve had three infants, it’s been awhile for me and William. Please share your tips for fellow parents in the comments section. Thank you!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

S3xy Laundry

No this is not a post about lingerie so if you’re looking for that, you’ll have to click somewhere else. Yes, click off. (Yes, I just said that)

But don’t leave if you want to know about laundry S3x in the pantry style.

I am a laundry sorter freak. They might have self-help classes for people like me. I sort by color. Not darks and lights and whites. I have a black load. And a red load. Even a pink load.

And I sort by category. I separate towels from everything else. Sheets have their own stack. So do table linens. But towels get hypercategorized – white towels are one load (yes, they are), and kitchen towels aren’t ever washed with bath towels (no way!)

But I have this other philosophy about housework too and that is ---PAY ATTENTION this could save your life – okay, make your marriage a little more peaceful.

Where was I?

Lynn’s advice to save your life marriage / partnership: If the person you love wants to do housework let him / her do it as they like. Yes, however they like. H3ll, they are doing housework. Back off.

So even when our tikes were little and I wanted the baby clothes washed with the baby detergent, I shut my mouth because William (who I love) was doing laundry!
And these days when he and I both tackle the mountain of clothes that used to be a laundry room he doesn’t go for my categories and subcategories. He swiftly combines the pinks and reds. He mixes darks with jeans (okay, jeans are one load too. I’m weird, I admit it)

But today I broke a rule. I saw him place a tablecloth in with a load of sheets. (Tablecloth in with the sheets –Oh No!) I opened my big mouth.

Me: You can’t put a tablecloth in there

Wm: Why not?

Me: Because it’s with the sheets.

Wm: So?

Me: That’s like an eating thing with a sleeping thing.

Wm: Why does it even matter, they are getting clean?

Me: Because the sheets are like, you know. And the tablecloth – we EAT on the

Wm: Lynn, we do it on the sheets, I get it. But what if…

-and I knew what he was thinking –

Wm (continued): What if? We… do it on the kitchen table?

I forgot all about laundry for a moment. It has been awhile since we’ve done it on the kitchen table. (We’ve found a hideout in the pantry thanks to these kids of ours).

My mind flashed back – It wasn’t the most comfortable place we’ve done it or the most practical, but it was fun. We should tackle the table again!

And, of course, wash the tablecloth immediately afterwards –in a load of its own!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

He loves me even when I am stupid

A few weeks ago (or maybe more than that) it was obvious my car craved an oil change. No sweat. Call, schedule, take it in. It’s not rocket science, just a simple formula to get things done, everything from dentist appointments to school physicals to haircuts. It is part of normal life.




Somehow, the call part slipped my mind. Then when I finally did schedule, the appointment slipped my mind.

I got in the habit of thinking I would call about the car and keeping several bottles of oil in the trunk just in case.

Today was hurry hurry busy because I had to juggle all three kids going to the dentist. When I left work to meet them at school early, my car was crying for oil.

I slosh a double serving of oil into the car, zoom off to get the kids, take them to the dentist. I ignore the smell coming from the engine because – well, I probably just splashed oil, right?

No cavities! X3!

After the dentist, I notice that the oil isn’t “burning off.” It smells like something is burning up.

At home I popped the hood and found that oil had splashed everywhere. Yes, splashed OUT

How can it splash out, Lynn? you may ask. Didn’t you put the cap on tightly?

What a good question, thoughtful reader. Let me examine.

No, I did not put the oil cap on tightly because I didn’t put it on AT ALL!

Of course, I have to admit my failure to William.

After one of our nonsensical Q&A sessions where we mostly don’t understand each other (He wanted to know where the oil cap was. Amazingly, so did I.)

He said, “I’ll go get you another one.”

Instead of going on a run, William bought me a new oil cap and added more oil. He then drove off in my car. I thought he was going to the gym but when he returned too soon and not stinky, I knew he didn’t work out.

“I noticed you needed gas so I filled it up. I also ran it through the car wash.”

I can’t tell you how turned on I am right now!!!

Be nice to the ones you love, even when they make mistakes.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Two Awards

I would like to thank two readers for honoring S3XinthePantry with very cool awards. I am amazed to have this attention, being such a new blog!!!

The Redhead Ritter selected this blog for the Superior Scribbler Award.

The rules and the blogs I passed the award to are below.

Laura at Vodka Logic honored me with the Zombie Chicken Award

I did some research about the Zombie Chicken Award and found this beautiful description:

The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken – excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words. As a recipient of this world-renowned award, you now have the task of passing it on to other worthy bloggers.

Sharing the love!
Here are two blogs I pass the Zombie Chicken Award to:

Ashley at Place of Moxie – I love the fun and adventure you share with The Bad Boy and the honesty with which you write about mommyhood. I would brave zombie chickens to read your blog.

Dear Mr. Man who blogs his heart out even while living 5 days a week away from his wonderful family. Let those zombie chickens try to peck and scratch --- I’ll find a way to read your blog somehow.

No pressure guys, the rules are easy: Post the Award on your blog and give it to whoever you like!

I’m still getting to know everyone in blogville, (I feel like the new geek in the neighborhood sometimes) so it isn’t easy to pick only 5 to pass the super scribbler award to.

Here are the rules for the Superior Scribbler:
• Each Superior Scribbler must pass The Award on to 5 Bloggy Friends.
• Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
• Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to this post, which explains The Award.
• Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. To keep a list of everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor.
• Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog

I'm passing this along to the following Superior Scribblers:

Sarah and the goon squad
Sparkly tiara
Eric at Oh My God I’m a Daddy!
Lorie Shewbridges
Midlife Slices

Thanks to everyone who has read, sent emails, written, and commented on this blog!!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

No time for S3x – Impossible!

Here are some snipits from my inbox & comment threads:

“At the end of the day, I’m just too exhausted to even think about doing it.”

“We had time when we both worked days, but now he’s working night shift and we never see each other.”

“…the house, the yard, the kids, he does his thing, I do mine, we don’t even sit next to each other when we watch TV anymore.”

Yes! We all get tired – life is busy, busy, go-go-go!

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

First of all, if you REALLY don’t have time, there’s nothing wrong with a quickie now and then. Do you honestly think when William and I get alone in the pantry it goes on for hours? No! This is a quickie before dinner or getting it on while the kids are running around outside.

Second of all – you really have more time than you think. To my TV reader --- if you have time to watch TV, you have time for sex. If he’s not sitting by you – sit by him! Sit in his lap!

Here are some other ideas for those short of time:
1. The “sex alarm clock” If you go to bed after midnight, exhausted (too exhausted to brush your teeth even) and there is no way you can get it on. Even if you (or your lover) has to wake up early, set a sex alarm. The sex alarm wakes you up an hour or so before your normal wake up time. Or it can wake you two hours after you’ve gone to sleep –you can have “middle of the night sex” and then go back to sleep and wait for the morning alarm. Keep some mouthwash next to the alarm, because after all you didn’t even brush your teeth before going to bed.

2. Shower together. You’re going to take a shower and your love is going to take a shower. Combine the showers together – help each other get clean and wow – look at the time…. The time for shower number two can be best spent together. (or for you clean freaks, get it on first and clean up in the shower after)

3. Lunch time. If one goes to work and the other is at home – can you meet for lunch? Yes? Do you both work anywhere near each other that you could meet for lunch? Meet half way?

4. I would never encourage anyone to use their sick time if they weren’t sick, but if you both just happened to get sick on the same day (wouldn’t that be nice?) and had to leave work only a bit early (not too big of a hit to the paycheck if you don’t have sick time) and both ended up at home at the same time and before the monsters get home from school. Wouldn’t it be great if you didn’t feel too sick to get naked and crawl into bed together? Okay, you can use vacation time if you have to. Or get to work late in the morning and stay later at work to make up the time.

5. Get your kids on a schedule. Get them to bed at a certain time. Even if they manage to stretch it an hour later… you still have time between their bedtime and your bedtime to be with your love.

6. See my past tip the movie rule If you have time to watch a movie (or sport event, or TV show) you have time to …

7. See my past tip no TV if you have kids young enough to be influence (bribed) by TV / movies.

8. Share your tips!

What else works? Share your tips!!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

The truth among friends

Three of my friends are teachers and on Thursdays they have late meetings at school and, since my house is walking distance from the school, their kids are friends with my kids, and they trust me to watch them my house is stuffed with kids on Thursdays.

Never a problem. Actually, I kind of like it.

Until last Thursday –the day that William returned home.
The kids were great. Two out of three parents picked up their kids before 8pm.

Our kids were getting ready for bed. I’m looking at William, wanting to strip him and throw him down on the table.

Parents of kids number three do not arrive.

They don’t arrive at 8:30. My kids are in bed.

Their mom finally arrives at 8:45. We invite her in. We talk. I politely point out that her youngest is crashed on the sofa. I hint that she might want to get her three kids in bed.

Finally, I say “William’s been away for four days, he just got home a couple of hours ago. I’m sure you want to get home to Your Man.”

She said, “Oh, no. He’s on his way here.”

? !

William smiled.

I smiled (or was it a snarl?)

I wanted to yell:
I’ve watched your kids since 4:15. I fed them an after school snack, I made sure they did their homework, I fed them a VERY healthy dinner (grilled fish, rice, snow peas, salad, fresh fruit for dessert) taking into account their allergies and the dietary restrictions of your religion, my kids are in bed, I need my man, I want you to leave.

Her Man walked in. The guys start talking. And sometimes we do stay up late with friends talking – really late. That is fun once in awhile. But tonight, I just wasn’t in the mood (for friends, that is!)

I sat there listening to teacher soap opera politics and trying to listen in on what the guys were talking about and then also talking to myself “Lynn are you just being a selfish b*tch who doesn’t even make time for your friends?”

I gave them an hour. We ate, we drank, we talked, their kids crashed on our sofa. But when the clock struck 10, I got her out of the room and told her the truth. I know I’m all open on my blog and everything, but I haven’t really spilled my guts to this friend before.

“Listen, William has been gone for 4 days and 13 hours. I want to – well, you know. Some other time would be great, but right now we need our privacy.”

She gave me a blank look. I couldn’t tell if she got it or was upset. But they went peacefully into the night within 15 minutes!


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Tip 5: Turn ons

William has been out of town a few days. Of course I miss him and fantasize about stripping him, throwing him into bed and…more!

Fantasizing about William has got me thinking about turn ons. And also has me wondering if what I think of as a turn on, is the same as William.

When I first see William (tomorrow!), I want to touch his face, I want to kiss his ears, maybe I even want to bite his neck.

Here’s what I like:
1. I like to touch William's eyes and eyebrows and then lean in and kiss his eyes
2. I like to do tiny small kisses along his ears
3. I like to bite his arm pits (I know this is strange, but he has really nice pecs)
4. I like to take his clothes off
5. I like to kiss unexpected places like the front of the elbow, the dip in the top of the sternum, the spaces between knuckles
6. I like to suck his fingers (maybe gross to some, but hey it’s the truth!)

As I daydream about my love returning home I can’t help but wonder, does he like any of the above six things?

I suspect he really doesn’t like number 3. I actually have evidence that he doesn’t like number 3. He screams “Ow!” if I bite too hard. He’s also taken to putting on deodorant immediately after stepping out of the shower. And over time the square inches of skin covered by deodorant has grown (hmmm… is it deodorant, or Lynn repellant?)

So, does he like me kissing his eyes? Sucking his fingers? Undressing him (probably yes to undressing!) or is he just patiently waiting thinking I sure wish Lynn would leave my fingers alone so we can get it on
And now that I’m wondering I have to ask.

I challenge you to do the same. Make a list of what you like and then ask you lover, partner, spouse what they think!

Have fun!